SORRY…
Oh, Eva Marie. I’m so sorry you had to put up with Shaq’s nonsense. You are one of the most popular WWE superstars out there. You earned your spot in the finals and the rematch should have never happened. In all fairness, you should have won the first time.
Here’s the thing, though: I have not watched wrestling in a long time, so to be completely honest, I have no idea who you are. When I think of wrestling, I think Sting, Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Mick Foley; for the ladies, Medusa Miceli, Trish Stratus, Bull Nakano, Sable, Sunny, Terri Runnels. Yep, I’m a 90’s wrestling fan, so just like me ripping Shaq in my last post, I’m not going to spare you either.
Come on, woman! What is this???
She did the Mash. She did the Button Mash.
Medium Kick, Medium Kick, Medium Kick. It… works? Against someone like Shaq the Scrub, sure, as long as Tasty Steve isn’t helping him out. That being said, Laura isn’t cutting it for you. Look, you like her. I can’t blame you. She’s a strong, attractive lady wrestler with a feisty personality just like you. But, Eva, you need someone who is easier to play and doesn’t rely on command grabs. You need someone with grace. You need someone with dignity. But, most importantly, you need someone who isn’t gutter trash.
The Button Mash. Stop being gutter trash.
This is Dudley. He first appeared in Street Fighter III, and was such a fan favorite that they put him in Super Street Fighter IV as well. In Street Fighter III, he enters the tournament to get his beloved car, a Jaguar, back from the main protagonist, Gill.
Why go through the trouble? One, it’s a Jaguar. Two, it once belonged to his father, and he cared more about its heritage than its value. In his story mode, Dudley beats Gill, and Gill orders Kolin to give him his car back.
Get outta my dreams. Get into my car.
Now, admittedly, some of his moves do require some skill to pull off, but don’t worry about it. All you need to know is three buttons: Light Punch, Medium Punch, and Heavy Punch. Keep spamming those and you’ll take out any scrub who faces you.
“But wait!,” you say. “He isn’t in Street Fighter V! Also, I want to be a good role model for girls around the world, and Laura is the perfect person to show that girls can kick tail and still be beautiful!”
…Ummmm, ok. That was deeper than I thought that would be. So, Eva Marie. You want tough and beautiful, eh? Don’t forget, you also need grace, dignity, and a character with a predilection towards button mashing. How do I respond to such a request? Just with this:
OHOHOHO!!!
Girl Power… or Easy Mode?
Karin is your combo queen! Let me put it this way, Eva Marie. Press any two buttons in succession. Any two. Go ahead. Karin will turn it into a 4-hit combo. That’s how dangerous she is. To play her “correctly”, you have to be technical, but for what you intend to do, I think she’ll turn games in your favor more often than not.
Now, as for that role model identity you crave? Karin Kanzuki, head of the Kanzuki zaibatsu, who upholds her family’s motto of “total victory”, is the ULTIMATE role model of any female character in the game. She underwent brutal training conducted by her intense father, Daigenjuro Kanzuki, all for the goal of upholding their family name.
Heihachi from Tekken is a Better Father…
How brutal? Try being left out in the woods with little food or water and forced to return home safely AT THE AGE OF 9. Not enough for you? How about stopping 50 wild bulls with her bare hands AT THE AGE OF 14? If anyone deserves to be a symbol for female empowerment, it’s Karin.
She was even smart enough to usurp her father’s position as head of the Kanzuki zaibatsu through buying shares of the zaibatsu’s stock, eventually kicking him to the curb once she held the majority. Eva Marie, she’s smart, powerful, and you really need to take another look at her.
Also, I believe she’s Ingrid.
It’s like I’ve been saying: STREET FIGHTER IS MORE THAN II.
(Steven Mane is a voice actor and Street Fighter fanatic who writes Street Fighter lore theories in his spare time. Check out all of his theories at Mane Street and make sure you follow him on Twitter at @StevenManeVox)
