Oh, Shaq. You’re whack, so listen up, jack. You’re catching flack, but you’re not under attack. See, you need to atone, there’s a bone I need to pick with you. And it all starts with Ryu.
Back in 2017, you were invited to the ELeague Invitational, and you got excited. You went to the final with miniscule skill, to face off against a “real” fighter, if you will. She was Eva Marie from double W-E, and she was kicking your tail, pretty much without fail. Then it happened, you won, both hands to your head, and everyone knew she should have won it instead.
The next year came, and the rematch came, and Eva Marie proved you’re a scrub at games. You couldn’t survive repeating Medium Kick? Give me a break, Shaq, you make me sick. You may be asking why I’m rhyming here, but I’m just making fun of your rapping career. And your acting as well, what was it?
Shaq, you’re whack, but I’m here to help you, because STREET FIGHTER IS MORE THAN II.
Yes, you played Abigail, but I’ll maple leaf rag: he couldn’t punch his way out of a wet paper bag. Do you know anything about the Canadian lout? He’s slow and fragile without a doubt. Before anyone accuses me of running my mouth, I’ll just say this: you wanna go south. To Brazil, to fill your head with learning, and there with Laura, whose passion’s burning, there’s a kid you’d like named Sean Matsuda who tears up b-ball like a barracuda.
He fears his sister, who creates disasters, but mostly he idolizes Ken Masters. You want to parry like Daigo? Sean will help you, you see. He’s in the bonus stage of Street Fighter III. He’s not good at Street Fighting, but oh my God, you two would be two peas in a pod.
That’s the character that I think you’d like, if you want to make a Second Impact and Third Strike in gaming, so play Street Fighter some more. Master Sean and then dig into the lore and you’ll agree that Sean’s your boy. Now play the game, and most of all…
(Steven Mane is a voice actor and Street Fighter fanatic who writes Street Fighter lore theories in his spare time. Check out all of his theories at Mane Street and make sure you follow him on Twitter at @StevenManeVox.)